Something has gone terribly wrong.

Right now, when I see the word Israel it feels like a dirty word to me.

Something has gone terribly wrong.

I love the Jewish people.  I love our rich history in text and debate.  I love our rituals and blessings, our connection to the earth and the moon and her cycles.

But something has gone terribly wrong and now, there is a great misalignment.  This is why I have come here.  This is why I have returned to this place, this land.  To feel these tears, this heartbreak.

Because part of the reality of the Jewish people is young people with heads covered in what reminds me of Ku Klux Klan hoodies using violence and beating other human beings trying to live, harvest their crop and survive.  (see link below) I have to claim these young ones as my people if our people are going to heal as Am Echad.  If I don't claim them as my people, if I ignore what they are doing, if I don't stand up and say this is wrong, then Israel will just continue to be a dirty word to me.  We all need to take responsibility for each other.

I am going on a trip with Encounter to Bethlehem this coming Thursday.   Part of the goal of the trip is to listen to Palestinian narratives.  Part of the goal of the trip is to listen to other Jews coming from different perspectives and backgrounds.  I look forward to sharing my thoughts/feelings perspectives after the trip.

conflict between settlers and Palestinians during olive harvest

(note: this is not edited, these are just thoughts, me sharing my unedited unfiltered thoughts as I go through this experience.  In the service of truth, my truth, in this moment, however scary, I share them)

I love this poem.

Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here.  Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine.  Give bread.  Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.  Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Fear

As it turns out the closer I get to fear and the longer I stick around fear the better I get to know fear.  Over the last six months or so many of you have heard me refer to "the cliff." For those of you who don't know to what I refer, I will tell you:  From the time I began planning this trip in December 2012/January 2013 an image developed in my mind that I carried with me on a daily basis.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff.  What I see in front of me is endless blue sky (and some clouds) and also the sense that what lay before me is completely unknown.  I am privileged enough and lucky enough that also in this image was a vast semi circle of people (comprised of family, friends and dear ones) standing behind me urging me on.

I am 100% sure that I would NOT have been able to take the leap without that support.  Having said that, standing on the edge of a cliff for six months was not very comfortable.  I would continue to go about my work day thankful for the mundane tasks that needed to be completed.  Every so often the image of the cliff would surface, I would greet it, and then go on about my day.  Over the course of this six month relationship we got to know each other quite well.  The feeling of a slightly elevated heart rate and slight pounding in the chest that usually accompanied this image did not dissipate, I just learned to recognize that they were a part of the standing on the edge of a cliff experience.

There is another very important aspect to this fear/cliff experience.  RIGHT before I take the leap comes a huge NOOOOOOO!!!!!  along with an endless list of reasons why this is a bad idea.  NOTE:  these reasons usually are easily identified as they encompass all of the potentially catastrophic things that may/might/could happen.  Again, having lived with this friend for eight months now I am very familiar with its habits.  Therefore, it is much easier to recognize that the fear is coming to pay a visit, that those thoughts are there to theoretically protect me, and then I get to use my rational mind to assess whether or not those thoughts are worth heeding.

It is an incredibly liberating experience to get to know this fear, I highly recommend it.  I don't believe that it requires traveling around the world, but rather just putting oneself out of his/her comfort zone which will be different for each person.

So as you all know, I took the leap, i jumped off the cliff and with all of your support I am now flying.

I hope I get to greet each of you amidst the clouds as you take your own leaps this coming year.

B'ahava,

Shoshana

Settling In

I find myself continuing to use this language "settling in" though I realize that my idea of "settling in" on an adventure like this is not so much settling into a place but rather settling into myself.  The yoga teacher who taught my first yoga class here said something along the lines of "the external is always changing, but the internal remains strong, in tact."  Today, a different yoga teacher said something like "it is not the destination that matters, but the quality of the journey."  So I am taking these pieces of wisdom; knowing and trusting that yes, the external is quite literally changing all of the time, but that I have a strong inner core that I can count on.  So too, each day, each moment is rich with experience and emotions (both the inner and outer worlds)  So I try to be present to all of that and not worry so much about where I will live in 2 weeks or what my activities will be for the following day, or am I exploring enough or am I learning enough.  As I remain open to each moment, each and all of these opportunities present themselves to me.  Here are some examples (for my own benefit, as reminders and for your interest).  On my first day in Jaffa I was walking down the street and a woman started talking to me in Hebrew.  I replied "Ani lo m'daberet ivrit"  she quickly switched to English and asked me where I was from and what I was doing here.  In the moment contact improvization was on my mind so that is what I mentioned.  I asked her if there was any around the area and she told me about a dance studio about 10 minutes walk away.  I went to the studio the following day and it has yoga/pilates/contact/this thing called "gaga dance" that I am excited to try.  I bought an unlimited months pass.  This morning I went to yoga, and this afternoon Pilates. Yay!!  I celebrated Shabbat with a mutual friend of Ellie's on a roof in North Tel Aviv, sitting on a couch eating salatim and making kiddush.  I met a friend of his who lives in Jerusalem and told me about some narrative therapy happening there!!  On Shabbes day I walked an hour back and forth along the boardwalk of the mediterranean.  The sound of Kadima (beach paddle game) and the smell of BBQ accompanied me. Last night I went out to dinner with an Israeli who I met on the plane.  We went to the old city of Jaffa and had fresh whole fish with tons of salatim then explored art galleries housed in old industrial buildings.  In fact, before we went, I said to myself that I would love to hear some music and see some art.  We go to the pier and jazz is playing and art is being exhibited.

So all of these wonderful things are happening and still I sit with the question of why am I really here? I think I need to just keep sitting with that question and continue to let the answer unfold.  It is NOT a comfortable place to live.

Much love to everyone.  Thank you ALL for your support leading up to this journey.

Stay in touch.

B'ahava,

shoshi